I was waiting four months for that.
I haven’t seen them more than one and a half year.
To be honest, it felt that I haven’t seen them since November 2012 as I wasn’t really there… just physically.
Although I spent 10 months in Israel before I left again, I wasn’t myself. I have wrapped myself with mask and shut myself and my heart from everyone (even if I was going out and smile).
As part of me like to be well planned and the other side of me like to be spontaneous, I tried as much as I can to keep my mind open.
A week before the “ETA”, suddenly I got cold feet.
I said to my friend “maybe I won’t go”? I was afraid to be disappointed: either from people, as well from myself.
I was wondering if I’m doing the right thing, so much that I literally thought to cancel the flight tickets. Behind April 1st joke, the truth was hidden …
I knew this visit might take me out of my comfort zone.
“So.. toward your visit. How are you feeling?” he was asking me.
Without hesitation, I answered: “I don’t want to found that I wasn’t wrong”.
He was curious: “from what”?
Although he has emotional intelligence, I knew what it all about but didn't know how to describe this without feeling dumb, so I repeatedly answer what I’ve said before.
He didn’t push me to talk. Understood I don’t want to speak about that.
I tried to find the right words when I spoke with one of my best friends.
I just couldn’t. Frustrated I just admit: “I’m afraid”.
I found myself sleeping less, writing more.
When I found the focus of what I’m was afraid of, I started preparing myself for that.
Haha – we can’t truly prepare ourselves to reality, even though it’s a fake one.
Yet I didn’t want too, I arrived with expectation and hope – equipped with my typical optimist belief that my plans will be as I want.
I hoped people will stand behind their missing-warm words, which they will understand – I’ll be there for a limit time, that I am the one that will need to split her time.
The size of expectations will be, as well the size of the disappointments will be.
In Hebrew, we have an expression: expectations (pillowcases) are for cushions – just because the meaning of the word expectation in Hebrew sounds the same.
When I understood that I pushed myself too much, I relaxed, surprisingly compared to the past, this “reset zone” happened quite fast.
What have I done?
# I remind myself: plans are literally meant for change.
# That’s ok to slow down. It’s ok to rest (people who know me well, know it is a challenge for me just do nothing)
# That’s fine if I won’t see them all. My time is a valuable thing, some people I want to see more than once.
# That’s more than ok not to get decisions – no, and I don't mean to make a decision not to make a
decision … It's something else – with which I also agree …
And most of all:
Enjoy the moment.
Just be. Live – in the present.
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